NON-VIOLENCE



.Article by Fr. Dariusz Michalski SJ

Non Violent Communication

i.e. the language of the heart

On one side, there is violence,

on the other side is love.

On which side do you want to be?

I might not stop wars waging in the world

But I can stop the war which is in my heart.

Do to others whatever you would have them do to you!

Jesus

The subject of the proper and satisfactory communication with other human beings, with God and oneself is a very broad topic.  I would like to introduce one of the methods, which facilitates this communication.  It is called Nonviolent Communication (NVC).  From this method, I learned deeper respect for myself and others.

The method seems to be trivial, but to learn it in practice requires some time and effort.  Mainly because it refers to our freedom, and not to the habits and reflexes.  Every day we operate very often in a reactive manner, i.e. on an external stimulus and automatic response from our side.  NVC suggests using our freedom to break with automatic judgment, which can be very subtle.  Instead of reactivity, NVC proposes proactivity.  For example, when we see that someone is late for a meeting with us, we can say, “You are always late”.  It is a reflexive sentence, and we are not even aware of the violence contained in it.  It is not true that a given person is always late.  It is better to say: “Today you are late”.  Using the word ‘always’ is a form of judgment and prevents a chance for the other person to make a change.  By the way we express ourselves, we “reinforce” that person negatively, and encourage her to think of himself/herself: “I am always late.  I am good for nothing.”  In a sense, in this way harm that person, while on the other hand we strengthen this way of communication with ourselves, because this is the way that we refer to ourselves and so we think of ourselves: “I am always late (being annoyed with oneself).”  Thus, the first step is to name a reality without judging.  Evaluation is more or less subtle form of violence. It should be avoided. (download art. in Polish) BIUL_77

 

 

 

How do YOU deal with conflict and violence?

In the Franciscan Nonviolent Peacemaking workshop we discuss the three typical ways most people respond to violence and conflict:  avoidance, accommodation, and violence.  When we deal with violence by avoidance or passivity we look the other way and do not get involved.  We may feel that “it is not our problem” and that “someone else will take care of the problem.”  We may even deny that there is a problem.  Have you ever dealt with violence in this manner?  At times there is no other choice than to avoid violence.  However, whenever we use this strategy we avoid dealing with the root cause of the problem and so the problem remains.

The second strategy many people use when confronted with conflict or violence is by accommodating or accepting the violence.  We get use to it and may think:  “It is not that bad” or “if we do nothing, maybe it will go away.”   The examples of battered housewives and children come to mind.  This approach assumes nothing can be done about the problem and “if we do anything it will only make the problem worse.”

The third way we may respond to conflict and violence is by using violence ourselves.  We may assume that if we, “the good,” can exert enough power on the other, “the bad,” the conflict or violence will end.  We take the offensive, either by words, actions, or by political, social, or financial means, and attempt to maintain power or control over “the other.”  We may believe that justice can only prevail through violence, “an eye for an eye” or “the war on terror.”   Of course we only need to look at the conflicts among nations in our world today to see that this way of responding only reinforces the cycle of violence.

The Franciscan Nonviolent Peacemaking program teaches us how to PRACTICE responding to conflict by following the example of Jesus Christ.  Jesus lived in a violent society much like our own.  There were structures in society that oppressed the poor and made the poor poorer and the rich richer.   Jesus could have easily avoided the conflicts of his day by joining the Essene movement or confronted them violently by joining the Zealots.  He could have sat back and just accepted the injustices in society.  As we know, Jesus actively addressed the unjust structures of his day.  And so the Franciscan Nonviolent Peacemaking program teaches a fourth way to respond to conflict and that is by actively addressing the conflict and treating the other person with the dignity accorded to every person because all are made in the image of God.  Since most of us have been taught by our society to respond to conflict by one of the first three strategies addressed above, most of the peacemaking program involves training around and practice of this fourth method.

How do you usually respond to conflict or violence?

SMAM, 12/15,2010